Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
