I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
