I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
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