She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
