I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
