I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
