so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Two words: blizzard sex
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
