i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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