every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
