I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
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