I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
