I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
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i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
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nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
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