Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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