you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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