is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
