Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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