i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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