I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
