see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
He shit in the fireplace
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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