So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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