u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
