I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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