So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
