If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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