one word: firstdatebathroomanal
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
