Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Randomize
