is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
