Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
