Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
