got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
