Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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