from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
