Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
