All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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