You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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