Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
