True but thats because hes a fetus.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
