??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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