I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
