you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
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