I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
