Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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