first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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