watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
