If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
