# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
