2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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