dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
