Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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