I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
