New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
