last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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