I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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