I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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