I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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