I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
