I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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