wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
