Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
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Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
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You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Pooping to opera.
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