just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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