she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
